I Suppose I Have Something to Prove

I saw that picture on the "My Babies" page of me with Andrew in the recovery room and my heart just about fell out of my body. Nothing beats bringing another human being into the world.

Yesterday, Ethan drug a toy out of the garage that he received for his first Christmas when he was seven months old. Last night, his big brother put it together and they played with it for quite a while. I asked if Ethan wanted to see pictures of him as a baby when we first got it. We spent half an hour looking through pictures of Christmas 2009 and I couldn't stop smiling. There was a picture of me hugging seven-month-old Ethan super-tight and he looked at it and I said, "That mama loves that baby so much!" and he laughed and grabbed me for a hug. I could have melted into the floor.

The truth is, I have amazing pregnancies and I birth incredibly healthy, beautiful, happy, 'easy' babies and  I absolutely adore being a mom. Even on my worst days, which are far and few between, I always think, "I could do it all again." I don't think I'm 'done.'

The crazy thing is, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. This will be Ethan's last year before starting kindergarten and both of the boys are in phases where they are really independent and low-maintenance. I have a lot of freedom and I enjoy it and take advantage of it!

I am 35 now. I love the writing, blogging, networking and volunteering I participate in! I love my life!

So, yeah, the idea of "starting over" with a new baby is daunting. But what's even more daunting is the idea of getting one, five or twenty years down the road and wishing I had added to our family when I had the chance--which is NOW.

I'm not getting any younger and the boys would be a minimum of almost five and over eight years apart in age. The clock is ticking.

But there's a catch. My husband wants me to cut back on my work so I can focus on our boys, our home and eventually a healthy pregnancy and adding another munchkin to our brood.

It's wildly exciting. And scary.

So I have almost one full month before we go on vacation to Florida and will be fertile again so my hubby is giving me until we leave on the trip to dial back on my businesses and to figure out how to work WAY less hours and put WAY more time into our home and family. Gulp.

I am up for the challenge. I will prove to him that I am ready to start trying again and that I'm ready to have another baby (and raise another child). My mother's heart knows that I am ready and willing, God willing.

There's really nothing more important to adding to our family and now is the time.

 

On Using Contraception

A friend posted a link to this post today on Biblical Homemaking about whether Christian should use birth control and I thought, "Gosh, I haven't written about that on God Knits! I should tell MY story!" so here I am.

I don't really write about or discuss controversial issues. EVER. In real life or on my various blogs. I do, however, tell my stories and let my readers come to their own conclusions.

Here's my story where it concerns the use of contraception. We will save the "family planning" aspect for another post.

When my husband and I got engaged, I went to my naturopathic doctor and asked her about birth control. We knew we didn't want to start a family right away. She wrote me a prescription for the Pill and I started it right away.

I felt terrible, gained weight, had headaches for the first time in my life and even threw up on the side of Thunderbird Road one night. The Pill was not kind to me.

In the meantime, I was working as an administrative assistant at a engineering firm and a kind Catholic gentleman handed me a brochure one day in the hall and said, "We never need to speak of this." It was about Natural Family Planning.

As a lifelong learner and a Bible believing Christian, I read it and did some research. I was surprised to learn about what the Pill does to a woman's body and felt betrayed by my naturopathic doctor.

That experience taught me that I am in charge of my health and must look out for what enters my body. To this day, I rarely take any type of medicine and am very careful about what goes on and in my body. As a disclaimer, I do still love Oreos and Cheezits and am by no means "all natural."

The thing about the Pill that rocked my heart and left me feeling very convicted was discovering that one of the "benefits" of the Pill is that it thickens the uterine lining to make it inhospitable to a fertilized egg. Believing that life begins at conception meant that it was NOT OK that my body would reject a fertilized egg!! Imagining mine and my husband's cell combining and multiplying and our future baby coming down my fallopian tubes just to be met by an inhospitable environment I created was heart breaking.

I debated for a while about what to do but I couldn't escape the unsettled feeling I had about being on the Pill. As I gave it some thought, it just so happened that Phoenix was experiencing a gas shortage and I was planning to stay the night with friends to avoid the 50 mile drive home. While I was parked behind the tutoring center where I worked, my car was broken into and my backpack stolen, along with my pills. I felt like God was sending a clear message: "Stop taking the Pill." Message received. I never refilled my prescription.

I knew I wanted a long-term birth control solution that didn't involve artificial hormones, had no side effects and was easily reversible so I ordered two books: "Natural Family Planning" and "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler.  As a Christian who is not Catholic, the NFP method didn't quite gel with my beliefs. TCOYF, however, changed my life.

I started the Fertility Awareness Method immediately and have used it with great success for ten years now. We have conceived without problems three times and have not had a surprise pregnancy in all that time. What I've learned about my body because of charting is better saved for future posts but suffice it to say, I am now a self-proclaimed fertility nut and a big believer in the FAM.

Human life is precious and a decision about your birth control method (or lack of) is an important and personal one.

I will encourage you to search your own heart, ask trusted mentors, search the Bible, have a conversation with your spouse and make an informed decision. There is a lot to consider.

I'd also encourage you to extend grace to those whose method or perspective differs from yours, especially as you become more educated on the topic. Everyone is in their own phase of their journey--myself included. This is not a black and white issue for most people.

By the way, endometrial abalation destroys your uterine lining, too. Mayo Clinic's explanation of endomertial abalation is: Here. It's just something else to think about.

The place between fear and joy

One moment I think about the possibility of bringing another human into the world and my heart soars. The next moment, I think about pregnancy aches and pains, giving birth, caring for a newborn, another 18 years added to the clock, the world we're leaving to our grandchildren and the rising costs of raising a child and I break out into a cold sweat.

Every time I start a new cycle, there is a tiny little shred of "Phew, dodged a bullet on that one" yet every time I get to the end of a cycle, all I can hope for is that second line on a pregnancy test.

I had a hard time toward the end of my last pregnancy, including loss of appetite, anxiety, losing weight and spending entire days at a time on the couch while my son watched movies all day.

I give every new baby two years with me--nursing on demand, no overnight trips and even sleeping in the same bed. Two years of baby as #1. I love it that way, but it is a non-negotiable, which means that husband, hobbies and 'work' come after Baby.

Having another baby is undeniably scary. And once you GET pregnant, there's no turning back!

But, oooohhhh....babies. Children!!! My offspring!! The JOY!!! Being able to be pregnant, give birth and raise another child is an honor and a privilege that I do not take lightly.

You get to birth a brand new human into the world. You get a baby to hold and nurse and smell and cuddle. You get to experience every milestone and enjoy other people enjoying your child. There are celebrations, lessons learned, teaching, playing, family events, cousins, trips, holidays....the JOY! You get to watch siblings interact and personalities emerge and dream about how your munchkin will change the world someday. It is truly a miracle.

Fear, shmear. Give me JOY!

Gulp. Here we go again!

How quickly things change!!

We are 'trying' now. Yikes.

We went back and forth for months and my fertile phase would come and go month after month...and my husband juuuust wasn't feeling it. Until this week.

This week has been a whirlwind of emotions and excitement. Drew accepted a promotion at work, I actually backed OFF on my writing business, my dear friend is dealing with symptoms related to her brain tumor surgery (again) and there were lost keys, a sprained ankle and other tense moments as well. Life stuff, y'know?

The stuff that makes you appreciate what you have, look forward to the future and re-evaluate what is really important in life.

In the midst of it all, my hubby and I just sort of looked at each other and went, "Eh, why not??" It's not like things are going to calm DOWN any time soon!

I did have to state my case, however:
1. I'm not getting any younger. I'll be 35 in November!
2. If it 'takes' on the first try, I could announce our news when my grandmother is here to visit in November. That happened with my first pregnancy and it was priceless.
3. We'd be due in July, BEFORE the major heat sets in and in a time of year that is UN-busy for us. 4. We know we want a third child (I think I've always known) and there will never be a 'perfect time,' so why not just roll the dice and see what we get!?!

Drew did make me promise that, when it 'takes,' I'll take a break from my businesses, side projects and ministries and focus on the boys, my health, our home and the new baby. I promised!

It was so precious....we were discussing baby names (why?!?) and the two boys kept asking questions about having a new baby. We got into a lively discussion. We voted. They're both in favor or another kid.

So....Drew and I talked. We got real. We argued some. We got emotional. Well, I got emotional. And ultimately, we are trusting God with the outcome and we just decided to 'go for it.'

We did, by the way, put in a request for a girl, IF that is in God's plan. We trust Him to give us exactly what we need, whether a boy or a girl. 

Now it's the part I hate: the waiting. At least my cycles are now 31 days long instead of 35-45 like they once were. The wait between fertile phases use to be excruciating, but waiting a month if we have to 'try' again isn't so bad.

I think I ovulated yesterday or today, so I'll be on the lookout for implantation spotting from around Nov. 3 to Nov. 6 (7-10 days after ovulation in general), then we will probably be able to take a test around Nov. 8, just after my grandmother arrives in town from Florida and before a BIG weekend of stressful events. That will be interesting!

Between now and then, that's about all I'll be able to think about!

But going from 'maybe someday' to 'trying' is a wonderful place to be.

Now we just hold out hope and see what God has for us!

Trying for a girl

My husband can't seem to get past it.

Everyone just assumes we want to.

I haven't been able to quiiiiiite let it go yet.

My extended family is still holding out hope.

My two sons are split on the topic.

What is it??

HAVING A GIRL.

My mom is my best friend. I can imagine having a little "mini me." In fact, before Andrew was born, I could picture myself with anything other than a daughter!

{image from parentingpink.com}

I NEED someone to pass my jewelry, collectibles and treasures on to AND it would be VERY fun to teach a daughter everything I know about God, beauty, men and LIFE. I've always said that it would be cool to having the experience of raising both genders. 

But as I've already said, I WILL NOT go into a pregnancy in hopes of specifically getting a girl. I'm not even convinced that I WANT a girl! They are rumored to be more clingy, needy, emotional (well, that one is a fact), harder to raise and to cost more money. Plus, do I REALLY want the competition for attention?? I am very happy being the queen of the castle--I'm not sure I want a princess!

I am a self-proclaimed Fertility Nut. I bet I could increase our odds of having a girl. And if we decided that we really WANT a girl, and we asked God to help us out...I bet He'd be OK with it.

So the question still goes back to, "Do we want to have another child?" And if so, do we want to "try for a girl"?

My heart seems to be drawn to the idea of adding one more munchkin to our brood. Just not quite yet. I'd like to get my thyroid check and get into better shape and I'd like to help our family get into a better financial position. But...there's always next year.

I'll be looking into it. And thinking it over. And praying about it.

The story continues!