When My First Born Was

(newborn Andrew, November 26, 2005)


(Andrew, age 3.5, just before my baby boy became a big brother, April 2009)


(Andrew, age 6, December 2011)

The first part of the story involved practicing fertility awareness for about a year to avoid pregnancy, then we "tried" for about four cycles before I found out I was pregnant on March 11, 2005. My due date was November 20th, my mom's birthday (266 days from conception).

I'll start out by saying that we planned to do a home birth with Andrew, so I saw a midwife (Wendi) for all of my prenatal care. I had interviewed her before I even got pregnant, so I called to tell her I was pregnant, but didn't see her until I was 12 weeks along. Besides one blood test, I didn't have any procedures done during my pregnancy. No ultrasound, no genetic testing, nothing. I gained 30lbs total, starting at 158lbs. and ending right at 189lbs. I'm 5'9" by the way! I had no complications and no issues and was declared "perfect" at every prenatal visit. I saw a chiropractor, too, throughout my pregnancy, which definitely helped with the backaches and discomfort. They predicted a fast, easy delivery.

Since my plan was a home birth, we had everything ready and I planned to use our sunken tub for relief. I had the birth all planned out...my mom would be there for moral support and my dad would be there to take pictures intermittently during labor and after the birth. Mom would also help take care of the midwives. I would labor until it got difficult, then move to the tub. I actually thought I'd try a water birth, if it worked out that way. When the baby was born, Drew would announce the gender of the baby (and maybe even catch the baby, too!). The midwives would lay the baby on my chest while the cord stopped pulsing, then Drew would cut the cord. We'd stay in the tub, bonding as a family, until the placenta was birthed, then everyone would get cleaned up and moved to the bed. We'd get to spend those first hours nursing and being together, without all the hullabaloo of the hospital or any extra interventions. It was a great plan, and we had every reason to believe it would happen that way.

I had asked the midwives how many times they'd had to do a hospital transfer. Besides one true emergency situation, they said "never." The only reason I thought I'd end up at the hospital was because I couldn't handle the pain.

My due date came and went. The next week was Thanksgiving, and several people predicted that I'd have the baby on Thanksgiving. We normally went back to Drew's aunt and uncle's house about two hours away every year (where we'd been introduced by his sister back in 2001) but didn't make the trip in case I went into labor. His mom and siblings were there and were hoping to come visit the baby before returning home to New Mexico.

On the way home from my folks' house on Thanksgiving, I was definitely uncomfortable and may have been having some Braxton Hicks contractions, or just mild pre-labor contractions. Drew and I even timed some that night, and he could feel my belly harden--but nothing became of it.

Friday was a long, boring day. I was so done being pregnant, at 5 days past due!! That night, I expressed how miserable I was to Drew and he said, "Well, let's pray that you'll go into labor tonight." Great idea, Honey!!!! So before bed, we did.

At 4:00a.m. on Saturday, November 26th, I woke up to a new kind of sensation, along my lower abdomen, that was decidedly different from what I'd been feeling up until that point. It was a pulling pain and I looked at the clock and thought, "I think this is it."

I timed contractions during those wee morning hours, and they kept going! By 7:00a.m., I called my mom, just to give her a head's up. She was planning to come over, anyway, but I told her to pack for the duration and bring the soup she'd made for the midwives.

Drew got up around 8:00a.m. to go to work (he had a retail job and worked weekends) and could feel my belly tighten with my contractions, and said something like, "Yeah, you're probably in labor." He's a fairly laid back kinda guy!! He said he'd go open the store and to let him know how it went and he'd come back. People were amazed after the fact that I let him leave to go to work when I was in labor--and he worked 45 minutes away! I wasn't worried, though, partly because my mom was coming over.

By 11:00a.m., I called the midwives to tell them I was probably in early labor and they said to keep them posted. Friends came by around then to drop off a birthday gift (my birthday was Nov. 29) and I remember definitely noticing the contractions during their visit, but I was still handling them easily and talking through them.

At 2:00p.m. I called the midwives to tell them things were progressing and definitely not petering out! They said they'd come whenever I thought I needed them--I said, "Come!" I asked if I could get into the tub and they said "yes."

Around that time, Drew was back home and I got into the bath tub! The next three hours are a blur but looking back, I'd call that part "active labor." I was very insistent upon #1, not watching the clock and #2, not being checked repeatedly. I was so afraid of being discouraged by my progression!! From 2:00 to 5:00, I was practicing all of my coping techniques during contractions: focusing on a candle, singing, squeezing someone's hand, breathing--you name it, I tried it! The biggest help was having Drew sitting next to the tub, holding my hand. The midwives came and went, checking on me and checking the baby's heart rate, and telling me what a great job I was doing.

By 5:00p.m., now 13 hours since the first contraction, I noticed the light starting to change and asked for the time. I was amazed that three hours had gone by! When you're taking life one contraction at a time, time seems to go by faster!

From around 5:00p.m. to 8:00p.m., I continued to labor, almost exclusively in the tub. I just couldn't imagine getting out and had no desire to try anything else! That time span is another blur for the most part, but I know that during that time, I was doing the most moaning and low singing--and even told Drew, "I don't know how much longer I can do this." I also went to the bathroom several times, and lost my mucous plug in the toilet and soon after, my water broke in the tub in one big bubble! The midwives did see some meconium in the amniotic fluid but said a little bit was normal. I seem to remember being nauseated during this time, too, so that was probably the peak of transition. I'd say this time frame was active labor and transition.

It was also during this period that I had incredible back pain and pain in my backside, on the right side. If it had been closer to the 8:00 mark, I'd say that was the "urge to push" and I didn't realize it. I just thought it was part of labor pain. It was intense and excruciating, but I got through it somehow. Drew told me later that, during this phase, he urged the midwives to check me because he thought I might be ready to push, but they reminded him that I didn't want to be checked so he relented.

Finally at 8:00p.m., I was checked for the first time in my pregnancy...and I was fully dilated and fully effaced! I was so relieved that I got a second wind!!

From 8:00p.m. to 10:00p.m., I went back and forth to the tub and the bed, trying to push. There was more and more meconium leaking and then the baby's heart rate started speeding up. He wasn't lacking oxygen--he wanted OUT!

At 10:00p.m., the midwives decided that with the presence of meconium and the baby's increased heart rate, we were better off going to the hospital. They probably talked about it to Drew and my mom, but all I remember was them telling me they knew I was disappointed, but that it was for the best. I was SO ready to get that baby out, I just said, "Get my robe and slippers."

So Wendi, Drew, myself and my dad piled into my dad's car and headed for the nearest hospital. Wendi talked to the nurses on duty, telling them what was happening and they called the doctor in to meet us there. I was in excruciating pain and the contractions gave me absolutely no break in between, so I was miserable--but also "in the zone." I do remember my dad passing the hospital and having to turn around--and I was so focused that I couldn't say anything.

My mom calls him an angel, the guy that was waiting on the hospital curb with a wheelchair. I'm sure we looked like something out of a movie, me being whisked upstairs to the maternity floor with wet hair, wearing a robe...and all these people rushing behind me.

Turns out I was the only woman in labor that night, so all the nurses met us in the room and prepped me. The only thing I remember clearly was one of the nurses (Jackie, who ended up being wonderful) saying she was going to attach some kind of monitor to the baby's head and I said, "Oh, no, you're not!" I think the midwives explained to her that I didn't want any extra interventions. I'm glad they were there for this part. The doctor came rushing in at about 10:15p.m., yelling to me, "You're going to push this baby out or we're going in for a C-section!" He was a jerk, FYI, but all I needed to hear was "C-section" and I knew I was going to push like my life depended on it!

Dr. Sun was debriefed on what was going on and got suited up. I know he pretty much immediately did an episiotomy, plus he tried a vacuum, which ended up slipping off. Um...OUCH. I seem to remember that the baby was born in about four pushes, and I really did push harder than even I knew I was capable of.

There was a pediatric specialist waiting to check the baby, because of the meconium. I remember the baby coming out and how relieved I was and I have only one other memory of (what turned out to be a) him until an hour later. But Drew says he was given to the specialist and taken away to be checked out immediately. Drew also remembers how ugly the baby's face was when it/he came out, and he thought, "That better be a boy or God is just cruel." heehee

Andrew IV was born on Saturday, November 26th at 10:27p.m. weighing 8 lbs. 4 oz. and measuring 20" long with dark hair and dark blue eyes.

I don't remember being told "It's a boy." After all the waiting, anticipation and speculation, I was robbed of the moment that I had so been looking forward to. And, of course, Drew wasn't able to catch the baby or cut the cord. He remembers being concerned for me because there was so much blood.

What I do remember is Dr. Sun saying I was badly torn on the right side, where I'd felt all that pain before. He tried to stitch me up and it was even more excruciating than labor and I remember saying, "I just gave birth and now you're going to do THAT?!" With no anesthesia, mind you. I guess I was bleeding too much to take the time. It turned out that I had a fourth degree tear in my vaginal wall (undoubtedly where Andrew's head had been resting for so long) and had to go to surgery for him to repair it.

So I was prepped for surgery and remember passing by Andrew (he'd come back from being checked, he was fine, with Apgars of 7 and 9), laying in an isolette and breathing oxygen, and one of the midwives lifted him up and waved his arm as I passed. I remember the nurse saying something like, "He really needs to lay flat," or something to that effect, and I thought, "Boy, I bet the nurses are annoyed by all of this." That was the only time I saw him until I returned from surgery.

I was taken down the hall to an O.R., all the while saying, "I can't believe I had a boy!" I was elated and exhausted. I got a spinal shot and it took Dr. Sun a good half an hour to stitch me up. In the meantime, the anesthesiologist enjoyed berating me about the danger of home births and I remember holding my own and not backing down. The same nurse who I yelled at about not wanting the head thingy was nearby and whispered, "Don't pay any attention to him." That was probably my first moment of mom-to-mom bonding!

During the stitching up, Dr. Sun also commented, "This is the worst tear I've seen all year." It was November 26th!! What doctor says that????? He later added, "Well, at least it will be that much easier next time." Thaaaaaanks.

So I was wheeled back from surgery to find Andrew all wrapped up and in Drew's arms. My mom was there, too. I finally got to hold MY SON and, boy, was I in love!! I think that's when I was filled in on his Apgars, weight, etc. I remember looking him over and noticing that his fingernails were yellow and calling them "Vampire fingernails." An odd thing to notice first, huh?

I went to recovery after a while and talked to the midwives some, about what had happened. It was very surreal to have landed myself in the hospital.

The first day or so, Drew was sick with a terrible cold and Andrew was cold, too. Drew was holding him skin to skin but it wasn't enough, so he was put under heat lamps. Beyond that, he was perfect. We had a minor glitch with nursing because I had it in my head that he should be positioned a certain way, so he'd get frustrated and Drew would have to take him to calm him down, then hand him back. Finally, I realized he wanted to have his arms crossed over his chest and that was the ticket--he was a champion breast feeder for (brace yourself) almost three years after that.

We spent that Saturday night, all day Sunday and up until about 3:00p.m. Monday in the hospital. Our church was literally steps away, so after my sister and brother-in-law came to bring me my things and visit Andrew Sunday morning, we asked them to stop by church to let our home group know that Andrew had arrived. They came by after church, along with the pastor and his wife, the youth pastor and his wife and a handful of others. Hello!!! My brother and his wife visited, along with Drew's mom, who was heading back home immediately after she left the hospital. We were so glad she got to meet him! Drew's sister and her family, and Drew's uncle, all came by Sunday night to meet him.

Some other memories...

~ I vividly remember watching the sun come up both mornings I was in the hospital, as I sat up nursing Andrew in bed. I was so happy and content.

~ I remember signing a form to refuse a hearing test for Andrew, and as someone walked out and the door slammed shut, he jumped and the other nurse commented, "Well, there's his hearing test." HA!

~ The pediatrician that came to check him before we left declared him "robust." And he has been ever since!

~ The nurse that discharged us lectured Drew about being gentle to me when we "resumed intimacy." Repeatedly lectured him. Awesome/

~ Just before we left the hospital, Drew and the nurse disappeared to pull the car around, check the car seat, etc. and it was the first time I was alone with Andrew. We sat in a rocker and I sung "Jesus Loves Me" to him and cried and cried.

And that's about it! He was perfect as far as breastfeeding and sleeping, and never had any issues. His umbilical cord stump fell off quickly, at only about four days old. I think my milk came in at about five days. He was never fussy, he didn't have colic or digestion problems--nothin'. He pooped fairly infrequently, which turned out to just be "him," and actually made life a lot easier! We never paced the halls at night with him. In fact, I learned how to nurse laying down pretty quickly and everyone slept wonderfully as a result. He was a happy, content baby and people so frequently commented about how "alert" he was that we started calling him "Our Little Lert." As in, he was a lert. heehee.

As hard as it was to go past my due date, the fact that he was so healthy made it totally worth it. With November being jam-packed with birthdays in our family, we were relieved that he got his own unique day.

Got hormone issues?

Keeping our hormones in balance is one of our hardest jobs as women. Hormones fluctuate wildly throughout any given day, during every menstrual cycle and in every phase of a woman's life.

Although I feel incredibly well right now, I wonder sometimes about my last doctor's appointment when he told me that I have low blood pressure and have probably suffered from a stressed adrenal system for most of my life. Though not bothersome, I still sometimes deal with light-headedness, lack of energy and nervousness. Then recently, a friend of mine who has been trying to get pregnant started wondering whether her short periods and short luteal phase may point to a hormone imbalance or underlying reproductive "issue." I decided I needed to hit the books again.



I've spent the better part of Memorial Day revisiting one of the books that sealed my fate as a "Fertility Nut." When I began learning Fertility Awareness and researching progesterone cream and natural hormone balancing many years ago, I found out about this book by Dr. John Lee, written for women in the baby-making phase on the journey of motherhood: "What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Premenopause: Balance Your Hormones and Your Life From Thirty to Fifty".



I already knew about him because he also wrote a book that changed the life of my mom, a breast cancer survivor of almost 15 years, called "What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Menopause."

Although Dr. Lee passed away in 2003, his work is still considered revolutionary and remains the best of the best when it comes to hormones and natural hormone balancing.



It is full of wonderful information, especially for women who are having hormone-related health issues (PCOS, PMS, miscarriage, weight gain, etc.) or trouble getting pregnant. I looked up his web site {www.johnleemd.com} and it is a wealth of information as well.

You can also look up your symptoms to see what hormonal issues may be to blame with this hormone balance test.

I checked off two symptoms in Symptom Group Six (unstable blood sugar and low blood pressure) and found this to be the culprit: "Cortisol deficiency: This is caused by tired adrenals, which is usually caused by chronic stress. If you're trying to juggle a job and a family, chances are good you have tired adrenals." Just as my doctor suspected. You can bet I'll be looking into this more now.

If you are having hormone-related symptoms, my suggestion for step #1 is to start charting your cycles using the Fertility Awareness Method.



Even if you eventually do any type of hormone testing, your charts will still give you valuable information to show your doctor and help guide your journey to balanced hormones. I would advise using Dr. Lee's symptom tracker along with your Fertility Awareness chart to help you keep track of symptom patterns. Or simply use his list of symptoms to mark your chart accordingly. You may be amazed at what you can learn and what connections can be made.

Please do let me know if you discover anything new about yourself using these resources...or if you have any questions.

Becoming a Fertility Nut

I am a self-proclaimed Fertility Nut. Here's the story of how I got that way.

BACKGROUND:
In high school, my friends were actually jealous of me because I had periods so infrequently. Granted, it was kind of nice—but the unpredictability was a little inconvenient at times. I never really wondered what was going on or why my cycles often dragged on for two or three months or more.

When we got engaged in 2002, I was seeing a naturopathic doctor to try to balance my hormones and clear up my skin. I told her I was getting married and needed birth control and she prescribed the Pill for me. I didn’t question it at the time but looking back, I wonder, “What naturopathic doctor prescribes the Pill!?!” If SHE hadn’t suggested a form of natural birth control, I can’t imagine how other women ever find out about it! She also had me pay about $400 for a saliva hormone test, which revealed that my luteal phase is longer than average and suggested that my testosterone levels were slightly out of whack. In case you’re wondering, she gave me some supplements, “prescribed” herbal tinctures (disgusting!) and had me using a castor oil pack on my belly (to supposedly draw toxins out of my liver)—none of which I kept up after the first month. Somewhat ironically, charting is what ultimately helped me deal with my hormonal issues—not her costly and highly impractical prescriptions.

I was on the Pill for our first year of marriage and experienced headaches (and I’m not at all prone to headaches), nausea and weight gain. I didn’t feel well and started wondering about whether the Pill was right for me. Around the same time, I was working as a secretary at an engineering firm and one day, one of the engineers (a kind Catholic man) that knew I was newly married approached me with a brochure. He handed it to me, said, “We never need to speak of this,” and walked away. It was about Natural Family Planning and mentioned how the Pill makes your uterine lining inhospitable to a fertilized egg. So IF we DID fertilize an egg (which has been known to happen while on the Pill), the effects of the Pill would mean the egg couldn’t attach and grow. As a person who believes that life begins at the moment of conception, that bothered me and gave me even more reason to quit taking the Pill. I started praying about it, asking for wisdom about whether to stop the Pill or not. Several days later, my backpack was stolen out of my car and my Pills with it. I felt like my prayer had been answered. “OK, Lord! I’ll stop taking the Pill!” I look at that incident as a major turning point in my life.

FINDING THE FERTILITY AWARENESS METHOD:
I immediately started researching natural birth control options on-line and quickly ordered two books: one on Natural Family Planning and one on the Fertility Awareness Method. We had just moved into our brand new home and my husband was out of town for the weekend so I spent the entire time pouring over those books, sitting on our mattress on the floor and reading by lamplight. I’m not Catholic so some of the concepts of NFP didn’t gel for me so I set it aside. “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Weschler, on the other hand, really opened my eyes to what was happening in my body and was practical, easy to follow and down-to-earth. I read the entire thing in one day, purchased a digital basal thermometer and started filling out a chart immediately.



THE DISCOVERY PROCESS:
I was amazed at what I learned and the most amazing thing was that a typical chart for me was identical to the one the lab sent me with the $400 price tag. I could say that the information you gain from charting is invaluable but it’s more accurate to say that it saves you at least $400, the cost of two doctor’s visits AND 40 days of spitting into a vial every morning!

My first cycle coming off the Pill was annovulatory, meaning that I didn’t ovulate. I could tell because my temperatures remained mostly the same and the cycle dragged on for well over 40 days. The bleeding I eventually experienced was simply due to hormone withdrawal.

I learned some interesting things about my body in my first year or so of charting. #1, I ovulate much later than average, at around day 35 instead of day 14, making my cycles about 50 days long instead of 28. #2, sometimes I wouldn’t ovulate, then would try again within the same cycle (by the way, this has to do with reaching an “estrogen threshold” that I’ll address in future posts). Again, this resulted in much longer cycles than average. But, when we were “trying” to get pregnant, it meant I had a second shot at it! #3, I didn’t ovulate when I traveled OR when I was stressed—good OR bad stress. My body seemed to know when something was out of the ordinary, whether it was a vacation getaway or the week of my teacher evaluations. My body said, “NO! We can’t get pregnant NOW!” This is a good thing (no one wants to get pregnant during a natural disaster or when a loved one is sick), unless you are desperately “trying” to get pregnant, of course. It is just our body’s way of preventing pregnancy when the timing isn’t right.

With charting, I also came to realize that things like stomach upset, skin break-outs, fatigue and even an increased sense of smell were predictable from chart to chart and, thus, clearly hormonal. For the purposes of getting pregnant, I was also able to track patterns of spotting, abdominal cramps and pelvic pain to help me interpret my charts and maximize my fertile window. Just knowing I was—or wasn’t—ovulating made charting worth the effort.

BECOMING A WAY OF LIFE:
I will admit that charting quickly became a way of life and, as a person who likes checking off boxes and filling in blanks, I enjoyed the actual charting AND the information they gave me. I would dream that I woke up and forgot to take my temperature, just to wake up and think, “Did I already take it!?!” I actually looked forward to filling in the information at the end of the day to see what it could mean. I spent a lot of time studying my charts and reading about all the possible explanations for my patterns. I congratulated myself when I turned out to be right about when I ovulated or when I predicted to start my next cycle. I was truly amazed at what I was learning AND, it only cost me the expense of a $10 thermometer and the cost of printer ink!

FAM IN REAL LIFE:
My husband and I have used FAM successfully for almost eight years now. It took us about three cycles of “trying” with our first son (Drew had an uncanny way of being out of town when I was most fertile) then we got pregnant on the first time with both subsequent pregnancies. And we’ve never had a “surprise” pregnancy. With my unusual cycle patterns, I truly believe that learning FAM was a gift. Without charting, I truly believe that I would have been trying to time fertilization during the typical fertile window (days 12-16 or so), then would have gotten to day 30 and beyond and thought I was pregnant. How heart-breaking! I am so grateful to have learned what I did to help me maximize my own fertility, especially since I’m only fertile about eight times during a calendar year instead of the usual twelve. Without FAM, I am sure the financial and emotional cost would have been tremendous. Learning to interpret and trust my own body is truly priceless.

What have you learned from charting your cycles? OR...what would you gain to learn from charting?

Please contact me with questions, or just leave a comment.

{{COMING SOON! Fertility Awareness and PCOS}}

Eye Pillows & Nightlighting

When you hear "nightlighting," does this come to mind??



In the world of Fertility, it's a specific approach to regulating irregular cycles. My cycles were always irregular as a teen and young adult. At the time, I liked it because I got about half as many periods as my friends but when I was trying to get pregnant, that meant my chances for conceiving were cut in half. I only had about eight chances to get pregnant in a year (assuming my husband wasn't out of town when I was fertile, which happened quite a lot).

I read about nightlighting in the book Garden of Fertility

To try to boost my progesterone levels and shorten my cycles with my first pregnancy, we actually put up room darkening shades, turned off nightlights and covered our digital clocks....but what I didn't realize was that the element that helped the most was one I was already using: an eye pillow.



Eye pillows are typically made out of lavender buds and flax seeds and are used during yoga, to help ease migraines or to help you relax in preparation for sleep.

The weight on your eyes actually "forces" your eyes and face to relax. I use to be a person who sorted out my day (and my life) in the hour or so it took me to fall asleep at night. Using an eye pillow helped me relax, slow my thoughts and go to sleep more quickly.

There was an added bonus when it came time for "night lighting:" it blocked out excess light during the night. I relied so much on my pillow that I taught myself to readjust it when I changed positions at night.

The bottom line is, the night lighting concept affects your circadian rhythm, which affects hormone levels. Progesterone levels are very important for sustaining a healthy pregnancy and all I can say is that it did work at shortening my cycles, and I used it throughout my (100% perfect) first pregnancy.

If you need to shorten your cycles or just need to relax before going to sleep, I highly recommend looking into getting an eye pillow!

I found similar eye pillows to mine in Little Peeps Etsy shop.

I love this Eye Pillow Company web site, too (pictured below).



Here's some great information on Night Lighting {just scroll down about half way}

Let me know if you have any questions or if you try it!

No turning back

It was early January and my husband and I were driving home from a weekend getaway with my family and the boys were asleep in the back of the van when we got to talking about fulfilling our purpose.

I said, "I kinda always thought I'd do a conference type of thing. Get women together, have a theme, tell my stories, talk about what we've been through. Eat breakfast, encourage each other. I'd love that."

My husband said, "You should just put it on the calendar and do it."

I said I'd think about it.

I could certainly have turned back then.

I had it in the back of my mind when our pastor started a sermon series on The Kingdom of God and challenged us to think about how WE could advance the kingdom with our own unique contribution. I kept feeling little jabs in my spirit {and occasionally from my husband during church}.

I thought back to when the miscarriage happened and I'd told God, "Whatever story You write in my life, I'll use it to encourage other woman on their journey." I didn't know that it would be the first of many, many times that I surrendered to God. He has done an amazing work in my life and, despite some real "lows" along the way, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I knew it was time to tell my story.

I'm on the teaching team at church but, as I'd described to my husband, I wanted to write my OWN curriculum and present it in more of a "conference setting," which would be...different. Despite being nervous about bringing it up to my pastor, I sat down with him and described my vision, hoping to get his approval for the event. To my surprise, he didn't just approve but actually got excited about it and said, "Go for it!" Within the two weeks following, we set a date and reserved a room on our church campus.

I could definitely have cancelled the event at that point.

About a month ago, right after our pastor finished the Kingdom series and started a Launch series, he invited me up front to "advertise" my event. I also started taking sign-ups for the event and handing out fliers.

I suppose I still could have postponed it or cancelled altogether.

Now it's two days away. There are fifteen ladies who RSVPd that they're coming. We ordered food, there's a guy coming to set up tables and I have a pile of awesome door prizes. I also e-mailed my participant's guide and survey to the church office to have copies made. My sister-in-law created a Power Point for me and I finally created a playlist on my ipod, just for the event. My mom is picking up flowers to use for centerpieces.

No doubt....there's no turning back now.

I even picked out the dress, jewelry and shoes I'm wearing. Talk about "official."

I've had many moments of wondering, "What was I thinking when I signed on for this!?!" If I think about it too much, it's somewhat terrifying. I've been up past midnight every night this week, making my final revisions. My boys have been baby-sat by the television for days on end, without leaving the house. My brain is on over-load, trying not to forget anything. I keep making changes to my outline. I wonder if any of this even matters and whether the women coming will get something out of it.

But there's no turning back now.

And everyone I've talked to has said, "We need this."

I know God orchestrated this event. Now I just have to lay down the baton and trust Him to lead.

Looking back

Mother's Day 2008: celebrated with my son (who was 2.5 at the time) while experiencing a miscarriage. I felt so blessed! You know I was hugging him extra-tight all day.



Mother's Day 2009: I was 40 weeks pregnant with my "redemption baby" and celebrating with my son (then 3.5 years old). I felt incredibly blessed and was very eager to meet Ethan! He was born the Tuesday after Mother's Day. {the henna belly tattoo was from my Blessingway}





Mother's Day 2010: "Had my hands full" with my two precious sons (ages 4.5 and 1 year). I felt more blessed than ever!

When to tell your pregnancy news

Those two lines change EVERYthing. If you've seen several days worth of negative tests (or months or even years of negative tests!) prior to the positive test, you know that you can hardly believe your eyes. You wonder if you're seeing things. You probably even take another test (or two or six) just for confirmation.

So you're pregnant. Whether you "got it" on the first try or you've been trying for years, one of the first questions you have to grapple with is, "Who do I tell and when??"

I can't tell you what to do, it's part of the story God is knitting together in your life. I can tell you is what I did and why.

I've been pregnant three times.

Pregnancy #1: In March 2005, I got pregnant on about the third try and knew by 13 days post-ovulation. We told everyone as soon as we got a positive pregnancy test. I assumed everything would be perfectly fine with the pregnancy and it was. I went to almost 41 weeks and delivered a perfectly healthy baby boy.



Pregnancy #2: In the spring of 2008, we started "trying" for a second baby and got pregnant on the first try. We told everyone right away and assumed that everything would be perfectly fine but it wasn't. Just shy of seven weeks along, on Mother's Day weekend, I suffered a miscarriage. I had been due on December 28th and had already filled in my pregnancy journal. It was a crushing blow and was definitely one of the defining moments of my life thus far.

Pregnancy #3: In August of 2008, we started "trying" again and again, got pregnant on the first try. We found out on September 2 and told everyone as soon as we knew, having great faith that everything would be fine and it was. I again went to almost 41 weeks and delivered another perfectly healthy baby boy.



Two beautiful sons, perfect in every way, born three-and-a-half years apart, and right between the two, I had a miscarriage.

Do I wish I hadn't told anyone that time around? I think back and realize that

if I had said, "I don't want to tell anyone this early, 'just in case,'" I would have been saying that I didn't trust God with the outcome of my pregnancy.**

It would have also meant that no one would have known what I was going through. After it happened, other women who had experienced miscarriages came out of the woodwork and we got a chance to talk about it and encourage each other. Some women actually needed to tell ME their story. I have spoken openly about what I went through and it has given me the opportunity to minister to many, many women.

Now, almost three years later, I'm launching a new ministry (starting with a God Knits event at my church, details HERE) to help women who have experienced "bumps in the road on the journey of motherhood" and I honestly don't think I'd be at this point if I'd have kept my pregnancy and the subsequent miscarriage a secret. Talking about it from the very beginning actually helped me work through it faster.

Yes, it was hard to tell people we lost the baby. Mother's Day Sunday, a friend that hadn't heard approached me and said, "It's so sweet to be pregnant on Mother's Day!" She felt worse about it than I did. A month later, my sister-in-law's ex-boyfriend saw me at church and patted my belly and said, "You're glowing!" I wanted to smack him. I put that shirt way in the back of my closet when I got home.

One thing the miscarriage experience taught me, in fact, was how very delicate and miraculous those early days of pregnancy are, especially the two weeks or so before we know we're pregnant. I had taken it for granted with my first pregnancy. So after my cycles returned to normal following the miscarriage, we actually asked people to pray for us before we started "trying" again. Yes, it's a little awkward to say to people, "Pray that we make a healthy baby when we have sex this month, ok?" But why NOT have people praying for you and the baby, when it matters most? We call Ethan our "Redemption Baby" and I know those prayers made a difference.

**Now back to the trust in God's plan issue. "You assumed everything would be ok every time but one time, it wasn't ok." Yes, there were some dark moments as my story unfolded but my trust is in a God that cares and is ever-faithful.

When I depend on an all-knowing, all-seeing SOVEREIGN God who works ALL things together for good, nothing is ever amiss.

It took me a while to see it that way, of course, which is just a part of my journey. But if I'd have expressed by lack of trust by saying, "I don't want to get my hopes up, just in case something happens," or dwelled on all the "what ifs," it wouldn't have changed anything one way or the other. In fact, believing that God would ultimately lead me to something wonderful just meant I was on the look-out, ready and willing, for a miracle.

When I miscarried, God didn't disappoint me, He just took me on a detour. A detour that eventually led to this:



Ethan Ryan (his name means Strong King) came home from the hospital a year to the day after I miscarried. As says in Psalm 30:13, "And You turned my mourning into dancing...and clothed me in gladness!" He came home one year to the day that the miscarriage occured. That is redemption.

I can't question that.

And if and when we try for another baby, you can bet I'll have people praying for our baby before he or she is conceived and I'll be spreading my pregnancy news immediately. If anything, my faith in God and His plan for my life has only gotten stronger, which means that I will continue to trust that He will ultimately give me the miracle I need.