No Dice

Nope, not pregnant.

I had a teeny bit of spotting before bed last night and told Drew, "I think it's over." Woke up this morning and first thing, it was official.

I was emotional this morning--some tears here and here (even as I sat at the Starbucks in Target--so I turned to face the windows so they didn't think their coffee was THAT good!). Overall, I feel OK and at peace. By the grace of God.

I'm just feeling kind of...tired. Tired of the roller coaster, tired of waiting. Just tired. But, we trust in God's plan for us and we know all things work together for good. And before ya know it, we'll be "trying" again!

I remember the waiting and wondering from pregnancies past, and it makes that positive test all the more surreal. I know I will have that moment again...someday. I hope.

I know that God withholds nothing good from us...so for reasons we may never know, now is not good.
And when it happens, it WILL be good.

I'm good with that.

 

Labor Day??

So here we are, cycle day 31 and 12 dpo.

A less patient woman would have tested today. Or a woman who had had a chance to get to the store for a test.

It's just as well, because the longer you can wait is, of course, the better.

Tomorrow is 13 dpo and cycle day 32, which was precisely the day we got our Big Fat Positive with Andrew. In fact, his fertility chart and my current one are almost an exact match. Does that mean something??

I had a bit of beige fluid on the exact same days, too. Day 10 may have been implantation bleeding. Same with this cycle.

A Labor Day announcement would be a riot. And a May due date?? I could wear my May Baby tee shirt, which I already took out of my "maternity" bin, just in case.

I really, REALLY hope this is it.

I remind myself that EVERY month, there are GREAT reasons for why it would be so wonderful that particular month...so, that means that #1, there will always be good reasons and #2, when it does happen, it will be the BEST one! So if it doesn't take this month, there will be some great reason for why it takes when it takes.

This last day or two is the worst! I am on pins and needles and wondering if I am feeling "symptoms" or not. Like always, I think, "This could be "it!"" Or...this could be nothing! It feels so silly to get excited over nothing, yet NOT getting excited over SOME thing is even worse! :)

I'm going  out for a few groceries, and for a test, shortly. Tomorrow's test should be conclusive either way, so I'll feel better then. I won't sleep well tonight, but I'll feel better tomorrow!

Again, I don't have a "feeling" either way except for desperately hoping that this is The One that "takes!" I want this so bad and we are so ready to move on to the next chapter!

One way or another, we'll know by Saturday!

Waiting to Wait

Cycle day 18 today and still seeming to be fertile. We've covered my fertile phase VERY well. I never go past day 19 for O day so we are close now!

The boys are still praying for a healthy baby girl--much to my parents' amusement when it comes to family prayer time!

Ethan likes to hear his story of when we knew we were pregnant with him, when we found out he was a boy, when he was born...so he's heard a lot of that. Then we're at the playground during Andrew's football practice this week and I mentioned to a fellow mom that WE are trying to have a baby girl and Ethan proudly told her, "Mammy and Daddy got me on the first day." He meant that we got pregnant on the first try. Which is true.

Gulp. I better be careful of what I say around him! 

So the Two Week Wait will commence shortly. Just two more weeks and we'll know!

 

Another May baby??

Strange how last month, my new cycle brought feelings of sadness and frustration whereas this time I barely even took note of it.

And my hopes were up, too!

 Maybe it's just hormones. Or a longer cycle??

Either way, we'll be trying again as of tomorrow and planning to cover my entire potential fertile window, which is now about day 12 to 20 (assuming an ovulation day between 14 and 19).

I seem to be entering the fertile phase early--I even had some spotting today that I'm not sure about. Last cycle, I had spotting day 16, then ovulated day 19. So maybe I'll ovulate three days from now on day 14??? Women's bodies are so strange.

Our EDD as of now is May 6, 2014. Ethan's due date was May 6! I believe after his ultrasound, they moved it to May 8. He was born May 12 and came home from the hospital on May 13, a year to the day after my miscarriage.

How amazing would it be to get another May baby?!?!

My Tabbatical is going well...I feel great...life is good! We'll see what happens.

 

The Wait is Almost Over

Yup, when I wake up tomorrow (Sunday, 7/28, which it technically is as I write this), I will be cycle day 31 and 12 dpo--well within testing range.

 My average cycle, in fact, is 29, so I'm actually "late" already. Of course *I* know my longest are 32 days, so there's that. Drew even said I could use the $4 one tomorrow! :)

 As always, my hopes are WAAAAYYYY up. "Don't Stop Believing!" and I know my God is faithful no matter what!

So many good reasons for it to be +. People are praying, we're excited, April due date...I'm tired of waiting... 

I have felt a bit "off" all week. A little crampy/achy the last couple of day. Gas and bloating. Then the tiniest bit of pink in my CM late tonight...which, pre-AF, is usually brownish and drier. Of course now I'm hoping that was implantation bleeding.

I had pink on day 10 with Andrew and day 11 was beige, so...that's a good sign, I guess!! I'm a "late implanter!" I'm tall, maybe I have long fallopian tubes!!

Naturally, I am hoping this post is one that I read after the fact and say, "I knew it!!!" But...I've felt that way with virtually every cycle. Go figure.

I am thinking that WHEN it is +, I will either 1. say I didn't take the test or 2. say it was negative THEN surprise EVERYone, Drew and the boys included! I'm dreaming of getting pink and blue balloons and showing up at Mom and Dad's front door, THEN telling my boys to show up there--and surprising them, too! And then Dad can take some fun pictures to tell everyone else!! :) I am very excited, of course....and hoping, hoping, hoping.

Oh, and....we celebrate 11 years of marriage on August 6th....how cool would it be to celebrate this, too?? :)

I may not have shared it here, but when this process of TTC first started (sort of on a whim last October), I had a "vision" of me on my knees (imagine the yoga pose Downward Dog) in the bathroom, praising God. It would have been a total fluke that first month--but the vision has remained. I knew that when I got that + test, I would hit my knees and thank Him immediately.

I thought today, "Hm, I should do that beforehand. Doesn't He deserve my praise either way??"

So I am going to do that right now, before I go to bed.

So, this is the worst of the worst with the Two Week Wait...and it stinks. But it's almost over. One more sleep!

Last thing. I love this song for a baby on the way--just ignore the tie to the Twilight stuff and listen to the words!

The Waiting!!!

The Two Week Wait just doesn't ever get any easier. 

 This is, oh, our fifth time officially timing everything correctly and I could start a new cycle in two days and beyond...or be officially "late" and take a test a week from today on cycle day 32.

 So one week and we'll know something.

 Doesn't seem like such a long time.

 Riiiiiight.

 Naturally, I am gassy, occasionally emotional and have twinges and aches, which leaves me wondering if #1, the "symptoms" mean nothing or #2, I ovulated earlier than I thought and am anywhere from 8-11 days past ovulation.

I was a little on edge and shaky today, and even shed a tear when I picked Andrew up from his first day of 2nd grade and watched him hug both of his former teachers. I love my boys and would love to have another child...but I sure am happy with the two I have, and I am a blessed woman!

 Odds are I was right about a day 19 ovulation day and I am at just 6 days past ovulation, which means that any "symptoms" are merely progesterone taking over (and/or lack of estrogen), not pregnancy hormones. I haven't even implanted yet!!

 And, no, I don't have a "feeling" either way (I never do), except the usual feeling of "Come on!! Let's get on with this!" I even yelled at my belly today: "Make a baby!!"

 What's done is done, so we wait.

 

Time Flies

Obviously the last time didn't "take." No March baby for us!

 To be honest, this last time when we covered my ENTIRE fertile window and it didn't take, I had an entire day of high emotions. Sad, mad, frustrated, you name it. Call it PMS, but still. I was crying and feeling on edge, which is very unlike me.

This is starting to get to me. In fact, this is the longest we've gone "trying" so far. We got it on maybe the fourth try with Andrew (in 2005), the first with the miscarriage (in 2008) and the first with Ethan (in 2008! We've been incredibly fortunate, I know, but that record only fuels my impatience now!

I honestly and truly don't know how women go through this for years and years.

So here we are, "trying" again!!  We're looking at an April 6th due date now.

I thought yesterday was "peak" and even had some fertile fluid mixed with a tiny bit of spotting--which is considered VERY fertile, and usually indicates that estrogen levels are dropping off just prior to ovulation. I had that with my first pregnancy.

Then, later today, I discovered more fertile fluid and a VERY high/soft/open cervix...so we baby danced again. We definitely gave it our best shot--AGAIN.

We are entering the Two Week Wait any day now. I just want to get on with it! Every day that goes by means another day before I can take a test!

In other news, I was looking at the scrapbook I made for Andrew's pregnancy (I barely got to five months along and have barely scrapbooked since!) and gasped when I saw the record the midwives kept at my appointments When I started going to them (March 2005), I was 27 years old.

Twenty seven!! So young!!

I am now 35 and will be 36 when this baby is born!

That was a bit of a shocker. I'm an..."old mom" this time!! AAACCCKKK!!

So...yeah, this may take a little longer.

But as always, we are trusting in God's perfect timing. We know that He has a better plan than we could plan for ourselves, so we wait and trust and wait some more.

In the meantime, I'm just pinning maternity clothes and baby ideas, staying distracted with work and enjoying my boys. It'll be testing time (or Aunt Flow time) before we know it!