Update....and back at it??

My last update was Valentine's Day and here we are, past Labor Day now. Here's the latest.

I've lost about 20 lbs.

Wanna know how? Check out my "how I list the weight" post.

I got an allergy panel done and have been avoiding the foods I'm sensitive to for over a month now, including gluten, wheat, cow's milk and wacky stuff like bananas, mushrooms, lemon and peaches.

I'm also taking a homeopathic remedy that has really helped with my belly issues--namely the feeling like I had a bubble in my stomach that would never pop.

I've had a little bit of light-headedness and some low-energy days so I'm still figuring out how to bulk up on protein and good fats. Over all, though, I feel better than I have in many years, especially my stomach.

The boys are now 8 and 5 and both in school all day at our neighborhood public school. I'm still adjusting to that and so far, it's wonderful. They're doing karate now, too, so our weeks are pleasantly busy.

Speaking of busy, August was insanely busy with church stuff so I've been trying to cut back and get more down time in September. We've been reorganizing the house, too, and working on some projects.

And just this week, my husband is putting the pressure on to decide...BABY....now or never?? He doesn't like being stuck in indecision and he wants to get on with it. I get that.

So it's decision time: are we done or do we go for #3?

Yes, we've been here before. No, I'm no more clear on what I want. I don't feel done....but I don't feel this draw to have another baby, to mother another child.

What do you do when you just don't know?! 

We tried for a while to no avail so of course there are no guarantees. I have changed--even just with the changes I made at the start of 2014, my body adjusted and has continued to adjust. I was last pregnant in 2009! I am a very different woman now.

There are pros and cons, so many things to consider, so much to think about....but then there's the simple question of "Why NOT roll the dice one more time??"

I believe I'd like to be a mommy to another human. I'd like to raise another kid. I'd like to bring another person into the world, into this family. I'd like to take one more leap of faith.

Hear that sound in the distance? It's me saying, "Wheeeeeeee!!!".....



 

Happy Valentine's Day!

We are still not actively "trying" for anyone wondering.

I am doing well with the less sugar thing. And I feel pretty great! A baby is not a heart's desire at the moment--and that's OK! I have plenty of friends and family pregnant and having babies so I'm good!

Here are a few photos from my recent Valentine's Day tea party. If you live in AZ, I hope you can make it to the next one!

My selection of tea cups for the ladies to borrow. 

The food was amazing this year! 

Fairytale-themed table

My plate! 

Yes, we wear tiaras.

Me and my mama having a photo op.

Me hostessing in my tea party garb! These were the prizes I gave away for festive food and attire.

It was a wonderful event and I am blessed to be able to spend such a lovely afternoon with so many extraordinary women!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Mothering the Mother

For anyone just joining us, we're taking a break from TTC. It's been nice to have one less thing to think about!

Thankfully, this last period was very minor and I've felt pretty good!

Here are a few pictures from our recent day trip up to the snow in Flagstaff, AZ. We had a blast and it was such a nice escape from the holiday craziness!

Pushing big brother down the hill.

Brothers about to blast off!

Me and Ethan, bundled and enjoying the snow!

In other news...

I visited a new naturopathic doctor today who is also a certified nurse midwife. I'm going to get some blood work done then schedule a time to meet with her to address whatever issues I may have. An over-taxed adrenal system is a likely suspect. There may also be cortisol, thyroid or vitamin D issues, too--we'll see! I don't have to speculate much longer--she'll be able to tell me!

Sitting in her office NOT at a prenatal appointment was...good. I feel like if I were pregnant, we'd be dealing with my health issues on top of pregnancy issues and I'd be skating on thin ice again.

Don't get me wrong, I feel pretty great--but I don't feel as steady or as strong as I'd like, and that's not a good way to start a pregnancy, especially at age 36.  

I am grateful to not be pregnant so I can take care of myself for a season.

There are times when the mother needs mothering and for now, that's where I am. I don't know about baby #3 but in the meantime, feeling well, strong and balanced are my top priorities. Then I can take care of everyone better!

 

Family Photo and Christmas Break

The first half of the school year is winding down and Christmas break starts Friday.

We're taking a break from baby making, too. 

We're just...tired. And a little weary. And not even sure of what we want.

So, we're going to enjoy the season, enjoy our family of four and rest in God's goodness.

Speaking of our family, here are our latest pictures!

The four of us. Andrew is now 8 and Ethan is 4.

Me and my Ethan.

Brothers.

 Our family of four!

Merry Christmas and I hope you are enjoying the season, too! 

 

This is getting old

Yup, another cycle has come and gone with no good news.

I barely even tracked anything this cycle and didn't even bother testing. Not much PMS to speak of, thankfully.

I was teary a bit and felt a bit drained for the first few days of this cycle, but fine over all. This period has been REALLY heavy, so I'm not sure what's going on there. Today was cycle day 4 and I was achy, nauseated and just "blech." It's been a doozy. I've also been pushing myself pretty hard, though.

Of course there are the usual "Is this EVER going to happen?" and "Do I even really WANT this?!" and "Is something wrong?" questions. And another dear and lovely friend turned up pregnant--that keeps happening.

I'm a little discouraged. I'm a little tired.

I know God's timing is best and I absolutely trust in His plan, but I don't have to pretend that this doesn't kinda stink. A lot.

I suppose we'll just keep trying! This cycle, we'll have news right after my birthday and would be due in August.

Every month that passes, I remind myself that whatever good reason I had for THIS cycle being "it" (like for this one, we could have announced at Thanksgiving and I would have been due on my grandmother's birthday), there must be an even BETTER reason. That is reassuring, because every pregnancy up until now was perfectly timed--even the miscarriage.

Maybe I'll find out on my birthday (November 29th). That would be fun.

Honoring Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

{Preface...I know that every woman handles the loss of her baby differently and that is absolutely OK. This is just my story.}

I remember right after it happened, I had the thought of, "Now I'm 'that woman' who had a miscarriage." 

Sometimes it's still hard for me to believe. I had a miscarriage. 

And I did. Back in May, 2008, over Mother's Day weekend. I still remember it so vividly, the sights and sounds and the gut-wrenching pain. And my heart. Ooooh, my heart.

I still, literally, right this second, tear up at the thought of it--but probably not for the reason you would think.

Here's the thing. My miscarriage experience itself was relatively "easy." I was only six weeks along, just long enough to fill out my pregnancy journal and start dreaming about whether I'd have the baby in 2008 or 2009 (my due date would have been December 28th and my first son was born six days "late") and whether our first son would get a brother or a sister.

The bleeding started on a Friday and I spent the weekend (Mother's Day weekend) feeling like I had the flu. When my body actually purged the tissue on Tuesday, I felt relieved. I will never forget that day. It was May 13th, 2008. I never went to see a doctor and I even attended church and celebrated Mother's Day with my son (pictured below) and my mom. I was incredibly fortunate.

I say that the miscarriage was like getting sucker punched at a Sunday School picnic. 

It was a huge turning point in my life and served as a necessary wake-up call that allowed me to see life in a different way. It also allowed me to see God's grace in a different way, and I am forever changed.

I get emotional because I don't even recognize myself anymore. The miscarriage ushered a season of fear (and eventually full-blown anxiety) into my life that took me many months (years, really) to get past. In fact, I still fight anxiety almost every day. 

That season afforded me the opportunity to ask some hard questions and make some hard choices--ones that many people don't confront until they hit rock bottom. My rock bottom, by the grace of God, was mercifully minor.

I was able to make many positive changes over a long period of time, and grow closer to God in the process. I am so grateful that God gently pruned me the way He did and the growth since then has been astounding. 

By the way, the story had a happy ending. On May 13, 2009 (a year to the day later), our redemption baby came home from the hospital. God didn't have to do that. He is very, very good to me.

My heart aches for the mothers who suffer the loss of a child, in ANY form. Every story is unique and every baby deserves to be celebrated and remembered. 

So much of my life is different because of that miscarriage. It is actually better because of it.

I write on this blog to encourage other women to try to see God's grace in their experience, too. The healing process is long and it is hard. Allowing God in to minister to you and encourage you makes all the difference.

Read my miscarriage redemption story on my These Heels Are Made For Walking blog.

Please contact me if I can help you on your journey in any way.
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It's a no. Again.

Another 31 day cycle came and went and in a way, it gets easier because you just get use to another month going by and no good news.

I felt lousy in the days leading up to the arrival of my period, complete with nausea, moodiness, cramping and a restless night of sleep. But, as always, I held out hope until the bitter end.

When it was officially over, I felt sort of numb and haven't really even thought much about it since. Maybe it's a coping mechanism, maybe it's a way of repressing emotions--I don't know.

Again, near the end, I was in hell, wondering if I was PMS-ing or experiencing early pregnancy symptoms. Like always, you hope, hope, HOPE you're pregnant but feel like you're probably not. You know realistically that the odds are not in your favor. That's why every positive test I've ever had has been such a shock--you really cannot believe that it's positive, because deep down, you just can't believe it's real--until it's real. Every time, it has taken some getting use to.

I know God withholds nothing good so I have to accept that, for whatever reason, it isn't good yet. 

The "feeling lousy" part makes me wonder if perhaps I'm not healthy enough to carry a healthy baby at this point. I am almost 36, I don't exercise and I could use to lose a good 5-10 lbs. I probably need to cut back on more activities, practice resting and eat a more nutritious diet. So I'm taking the "no" as a chance to get healthier, find more balance and truly prepare for the implications of adding another child to our family.

It's daunting, at best. And of course I wonder if this really is the right thing for us and if I really want to do the whole new baby thing all over again.

I've had these thought before and then every time I reach my fertile phase again, I'm ready to give it another try. We'll see what happens this time, a year after we started "trying." Yes, my hopes will be up. Again.