The place between fear and joy

One moment I think about the possibility of bringing another human into the world and my heart soars. The next moment, I think about pregnancy aches and pains, giving birth, caring for a newborn, another 18 years added to the clock, the world we're leaving to our grandchildren and the rising costs of raising a child and I break out into a cold sweat.

Every time I start a new cycle, there is a tiny little shred of "Phew, dodged a bullet on that one" yet every time I get to the end of a cycle, all I can hope for is that second line on a pregnancy test.

I had a hard time toward the end of my last pregnancy, including loss of appetite, anxiety, losing weight and spending entire days at a time on the couch while my son watched movies all day.

I give every new baby two years with me--nursing on demand, no overnight trips and even sleeping in the same bed. Two years of baby as #1. I love it that way, but it is a non-negotiable, which means that husband, hobbies and 'work' come after Baby.

Having another baby is undeniably scary. And once you GET pregnant, there's no turning back!

But, oooohhhh....babies. Children!!! My offspring!! The JOY!!! Being able to be pregnant, give birth and raise another child is an honor and a privilege that I do not take lightly.

You get to birth a brand new human into the world. You get a baby to hold and nurse and smell and cuddle. You get to experience every milestone and enjoy other people enjoying your child. There are celebrations, lessons learned, teaching, playing, family events, cousins, trips, holidays....the JOY! You get to watch siblings interact and personalities emerge and dream about how your munchkin will change the world someday. It is truly a miracle.

Fear, shmear. Give me JOY!