I felt lousy in the days leading up to the arrival of my period, complete with nausea, moodiness, cramping and a restless night of sleep. But, as always, I held out hope until the bitter end.
When it was officially over, I felt sort of numb and haven't really even thought much about it since. Maybe it's a coping mechanism, maybe it's a way of repressing emotions--I don't know.
Again, near the end, I was in hell, wondering if I was PMS-ing or experiencing early pregnancy symptoms. Like always, you hope, hope, HOPE you're pregnant but feel like you're probably not. You know realistically that the odds are not in your favor. That's why every positive test I've ever had has been such a shock--you really cannot believe that it's positive, because deep down, you just can't believe it's real--until it's real. Every time, it has taken some getting use to.
I know God withholds nothing good so I have to accept that, for whatever reason, it isn't good yet.
The "feeling lousy" part makes me wonder if perhaps I'm not healthy enough to carry a healthy baby at this point. I am almost 36, I don't exercise and I could use to lose a good 5-10 lbs. I probably need to cut back on more activities, practice resting and eat a more nutritious diet. So I'm taking the "no" as a chance to get healthier, find more balance and truly prepare for the implications of adding another child to our family.
It's daunting, at best. And of course I wonder if this really is the right thing for us and if I really want to do the whole new baby thing all over again.
I've had these thought before and then every time I reach my fertile phase again, I'm ready to give it another try. We'll see what happens this time, a year after we started "trying." Yes, my hopes will be up. Again.
Hi Tabitha! It was great to listen to you at MOPS today. You did a great job and you hit a lot of things that I could relate to. I totally feel like I'm in that "Dark Cloud" phase of my life right now. Not sure if it is lack of sleep or just the fact that I haven't taken the time to really sit and think. I used to always keep a journal and write out my feelings and thoughts which really helped me. I haven't journaled in years and just recently was thinking that I need to start again, so it was fitting for you to bring that up today. I think I will be picking up a pretty journal this weekend to begin my journaling. Hopefully I can sort out my thoughts and get out of the "Dark Cloud", it's not a fun place to be in, AT ALL! I also wanted to comment on your post about getting pregnant. I'm sure you have heard all advice about getting pregnant, all the tricks and such. But just in case you haven't heard the following I thought it might be useful for you. When I was trying to get pregnant with my second child I started using a lubricant called "PreSeed" I didn't start using it until the 5th month of trying and when I started using it I got pregnant a month later. I also have heard that if you take Robustin when you are ovulating that is supposed to work too. Not sure the amount or how often, but supposedly it has worked for a few of my friends. Hope this helps. Thanks again for coming to speak today. I really enjoyed it.
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